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10 months ago
unsung letters
… naalala nanaman kita.
and i can’t stop my heart from feeling hurt all over again. i can’t help it.
feeling ko para akong batang sumemplang, nasugatan, nagasgasan nung sinubukan kong sumakay ng bike for the first time. yung sugat na ayaw gumaling… ganun parin ka-fresh para sakin.
eto na yung sugat na forever kong dadalhin… but i’m hoping na kahit papano, magkaroon o maimbento sa mga broken hearted ang permanent band aid.
masaya ako ngayon, masaya sa kanya. sabi ko nga, akala ko yung kung papano kita minahal, yun na yung limits ko… hindi pa pala, may mas hihigit pa pala. and to think that he’s not even here, napapasaya nya ko ng ganito kasobra, napapamahal ako sa kanya ng ganito katindi, surely i can’t wait to feel this love in person… despite that, pag naaalala kita, naiiyak parin ako. nasasaktan parin ako.
nakakatrauma. kung alam mo lang yung naging epekto sakin ng nagyari… alam ko iniisip mo ang saya saya ko na ngayon… oo pero there are some things that cannot be forgotten… kung alam mo lang. kung alam mo lang.
whenever i think about it, this is what really happened: i saved you from me. saved you from what was about to happen. saved you from tying yourself up to me. i saved myself too. i saved myself from you. saved myself from somebody who cannot fight for me, who is too scared to fight for me, who is too scared to fight for what he wants… now that i think about it, i cannot live with that… i truly pala, cannot live with you.
there are just some people who are too scared to pick themselves up alone. May mga din tao palang hindi kayang buuin ang sarili mag-isa pagkatapos ng heartbreak. Sorry, ngayon ko lang halos nalaman at naintindihan at naamin sa sarili ko: isa pala ako sa kanila. Sorry, kung ang iba ang naging dating sayo. i was just too sick and tired to patch things up, masyadong komplikado na sa sobrang gulo, kahit anong mangyari, hindi na kaya pang ayusin… even when you told me you want to fix things, its too complicated… so, without knowing, i was already trying to move on. and i still haven’t moved on well, but i am trying to. he knows that. he helps me.
sana ok ka na. sana maging masaya ka na ngayon. sana mahanap mo na yung taong makakapagpasaya sayo higit pa sa nagawa ko. sana maging successful ka. kapag nagawa mo yan, isa ako sa mga invisible audience mo, papalakpak sa likod mo, tatapikin ka at sasabihing “congratulations! sabi ko sayo kaya mo yan eh!” isa ako sa magiging proud. dahil nung mga panahong ginusto natin yung buhay na ganito, ako naman yung kasama mong nagplano, kaya magiging masaya parin ako para sayo dahil nakamit mo parin sya kahit wala na ko sa tabi mo.
this is the most sincere i’ve ever been in the past 5 months. this is probably not going to be the last, dahil hindi ganon kadali para sakin na kalimutan ka basta-basta. but i hope that from this day forward, i would only have nice things to say. i hope that from this day forward, i would be able to learn to accept what happened and pick up the wrongs from what we had and be better in where i am and who i am with now.
Salamat.
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